The Study of UnworthinessJun 13, 2018
I am observing similar themes among the students in the Awareness School these past few weeks. Self-doubt and unworthiness are arising in many varied circumstances. Each person is learning to struggle with their reactions stemming from this.
Your reactions serve as a reality check.
They may come in waves of fear that you are doing something wrong. They may strike a chord of deep unworthiness within you. You may even become depressed and despondent.
You perhaps become swept up in the moment under the influence of others’ actions and statements, taking it oh so personally and then continue their momentum within yourself. That momentum is the back and forth evaluation of how you fit into their story. You question what is true for a fleeting moment but then fall back into defining yourself by others’ opinions and reactions.
If you don’t have enough of your own “I”s coalesced, you tumble into identifying with the “I”s that need to please others, the ones that want to be fair and considerate, the ones who obsess on doing the right thing. The list goes on and on.
You can see your level of identification by the degree to which you are swallowed up in the situation. Your mind races to find answers and solutions. You jump before settling into yourself and checking in. You go into automatic pilot and let others fly the plane.
So much of it comes out of wanting to be loved and accepted. The irony is you need that so desperately that you leave yourself by the wayside. You put up with almost anything to get that acceptance.
This is a universal pattern from which we suffer.
You secretly feel your not-enoughness in every situation and attempt to compensate. You compare yourself to others. Conversely, you may justify your greatness and judge others. You convince yourself that everything is under control…
Until it isn’t and you tumble into the shadows of despair and inadequacy.
To wrestle with these reactions and negative states is the work.
It is the bulk of your practice toward transformation.
You don’t avoid the feelings or mask them or soothe them. You “cook” in them and accept. If you get adept at seeing the warning signs of these states, you can learn to check in with more attention. You attempt to feel instead of justifying that you aren’t feeling that way.
If you can get a glimpse of the flavor of this experience, you gain a new impression that can feed you. Your coalescence requires these objective impressions. They require the work of attention and presence.
Recognizing this rejection of self, this sense of unworthiness, brings you to the crux of the struggle, for there is another part of you that already knows your divinity. You can lose sight of it through all of your automatic behavior and patterns, but it is always there. You must appeal to this with all of your might.
To stop and check in, in all honesty, is more than a brave and curious gesture.
You actually implement another force in conjunction with the voracious one in action, and so the struggle begins. It is not a struggle to squelch or soothe the negativity. It is the persistence to be with it and understand more.
Settle into “I Am” and listen. Notice how much energy pulls you into the negativity and how you may feel powerless in the quest to be present. You may attempt breathing or movement. You remain miserable.
This is the time to sink into it, knowing it is “a state” and watch. Abide in the feelings if possible.
Many of these struggles may end in fruitless attempts to be here now. However, that produces important energy that will be available next time.
It is time to study your unworthiness in ways you never thought possible.
Your lack of boundary, your fear of going against popular opinion, your need to implement some kind of power in a group dynamic stems from this unworthiness.
Your need to state opinions, your being offended, and your need to point out right and wrong in the flourish of self-righteousness all come down to this.
Your inability to maintain a sense of “I am” amongst the mayhem demonstrates the lack of necessary energy. That is important information and there are ways of increasing this needed energy.
You can find the true seed of this unworthiness within you one struggle at a time to build the strength to accept it. You see glimpses until something in you is ready. The breakdown and realization come as a wave of relief after many attempts.
You can then give up in pure acceptance.
You are worthy.
You are divine.
Have a great week,
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